I spend so much time trying to DO something for God. To be important to him by my actions, to be needed and used and, dare I say it, special. But the more I do the less content I am.        

I hear again and again how we must learn to rest in him, to patiently wait on Him, to trust Him. And I try, I really do. But I am failing quite miserably at it.

The last year I have felt useless. What am I doing to serve Him? to bring glory to His name? Nothing great. Nothing big. Just little things. I want to do more than the little things. (I don't sound like a spoiled little child, do I?)

If he cannot trust me with the little things why should I ever be worthy of doing "great" things? If I never sit down to listen to Him, open His word, talk with Him and just dwell on the awesomeness of God, can I ever truly bring glory to His name?

I doubt it. I might be able to work myself up into appearing important to other people, but I will never actually be "special". It would be a mirage that quickly vanishes. I want to be more than a mirage but I can't be.

Every breath brings me closer to the moment I vanish in the breeze. Every breath is a chance to change, to learn, to trust. Trust.

It is trust which will bring glory to God. I trust Him for my bread, my breath, my bills, my dreams, my purpose, even with my impatience and nagging questions. I will only learn to trust Him more by spending time with Him, by slowing my day and my mind and taking a few minutes or more and listening.

Reflecting.

Loving.

And then I realize. I will still never actually be special, because who can be compared to Him? And that's okay. He is special and perfect. He is life, Creator, King, Friend and my very heartbeat - and He loves me. Maybe I am a little special to be loved by one so great.

But then, we all are.


Check out the new free verse I posted in Perspectives.

Written May 7, 2009

Well it's been awhile, not surprising. Someday I might actually learn discipline, but I'm not holding my breath.

I've continued working on my two projects and am even brain storming a third. This is great for a writing career, but I feel it is evidence of a dissatisfied mind as well. Things I love have been felling burdensome and my energy level just never comes back (though being pretty sick twice since I last wrote does give a bit of an excuse). I just can't seem to accomplish anything anymore and this has led to a deep discontentment with my life right now.

Now this doesn't mean I'm depressed or crying myself to sleep every night, it means I'm restless and unfocused. I still like my job, my home, my long weekends, the increase of sunny days (though it's brought an excess of pollen with it), and my lazy cat. What specifically is leaving me discontent? The sense there should be something more, that I should be doing something more.

Obviously I battle the Martha complex, add to that three years of seeing a purpose in front of me everyday (even if I didn't think I was doing well) and I'm feeling kinda stuck and just questioning things. Is writing really going to be worthy it? Yes I love delving into new worlds, languages, and minds and discovering the intense stories built in each of these. Yes I dream of being in print and getting my stories into the hands of avid readers longing for tales of magic and quests ingrained with Christian values. But will I ever be good enough to actually accomplish this? Will I ever have the discipline and finances to really see it through? Will I give up?

Part of me wants to scream NO, but another part of me, the overly practical, list making part sees all the ways I'm not cut out for this lifestyle which leaves me wondering. Did I mis-hear God? Is writing my passion and dream, but not what He has in mind for me? Or am I letting the enemy rob the joy of a godly passion?

Despite my doubts and nagging dissatisfaction, I am not quitting. I continue to write and to edit in between recovering from a new illness that strikes every few weeks (and never the swine flu so stop worrying) and the gradual increase of activities as the weather warms. I continue to re-read writing texts and think how to improve and laying my trepidations at the cross where they belong. Add to all that and I'm attending my first writer's conference this next week. It's real close, Estes Park, and Christian. I'm hoping this conference will provide the knowledge I need to go forward at this point, a few contacts, but especially a confirmation that I'm on the right course. This doesn't mean an agent falls in love with my idea or a publisher eagerly requests a full manuscript. This would just be a sense of comfort, an increase of passion, and an overall contentment in the environment of Christian writers and with my own writing (as desperate as it is for a professional editor).

My editor money is going to this conference so it probably won't be until the end of summer until I can get Isaiah sent out for a deep edit. But this could be good as I've been working through a text Self-Editing for Fiction Writers which came highly recommended from several writing sites. Taking my WIP through the steps in this book is slow, time consuming, and sometimes aggravating, but I'm really like the results. A clear story, easier to follow, and cleaner. Now I just need to figure out how to amp up the tension in the middle (yes, I suffer from the dreaded sagging middle), and I think I’ll have all the steps I know how to do so when I send my WIP to an editor she'll be finding things I haven't learned about yet and be able to see glaring plot issues rather than a mountain of amateur mistakes. I hope this will make the editing experience a true learning environment truly preparing me for the vicious publishing world and improved writing in general.

There's so much to learn and so many things I want to improve on, but each day is a struggle with the basics - joy, contentment, and basic self-discipline. My eyes are all around me searching for purpose even as my head and heart tell me, "Look up. In Christ alone is your purpose. Rest and take everything one step at a time. He knows what you need and when you need to learn it. Rest."

Written March 13, 2009

So how am I doing balancing two projects. Well, so-so. Tells you a lot, right? 

It’s a struggle still. I have broken bits of ideas for what I’m currently writing, my “Talia” project, while I’m also reading editing books and going through my “Isaiah” project piece by piece (not much fun :p). This is making for some interesting crossover. I’ll be looking at how to add sensory details to a scene in my “Isaiah” project and just want to add this brilliant plot twist which would mean re-working the entire manuscript. Probably not a good idea. But then as I’m writing on my “Talia” project I find my critical eye is getting a little worse leaving me dissatisfied with many scenes because of weak description, not enough detail, or poor word choice. This leaves me dreading the actually creation process.

I haven’t given up yet, I’m just still trying to learn how to keep the explosion ideas focused on the “Talia” project and the critical eye focused only on the “Isaiah” project. One of those issues of balance that I’ve never been very good at.

I think my 3-day weekends will be a huge help in finding this balance and actually getting a decent amount of work done on both projects. I would love to have “Isaiah” ready for a professional editor by this summer (if I can save the money for it) knowing it is the best work I have ever done and as solid in all the pivotal areas (characterization, pace, description, dialogue and suspense) as I am currently capable of – but that means a lot more work is ahead of me for this project. I would also love to have the first draft of “Talia” completed at the same time so I can do the first read-through and broad edits (like plot holes, weak characters, and dropped threads).

At this point, though, I have barely 5,000 words on my “Talia” project and with a goal of 70,000 to 80,000 words, I’ve got a ways to go. Also, I’ve only gotten through 8 chapters of “Isaiah” and out of 38, that’s not much of a dent and I think the last two chapters I did I was too tired and probably should do them again. Argh.

But I am not quitting and I will go one step at a time, just like I’ve been learning in my personal life lately. And when I fail to complete a step, I get to try again. The world doesn’t end and my chance at “success” has not passed me by. My choice is to persevere even when I’m discouraged, even when life pulls me away and my body keeps me in bed for 12+ hours a day. I came back to the states to write and it would be pretty sad if I give up just because life hasn’t gone as smoothly as I’d hoped. Guess I’m finding how strong I am, or at least how strong I trust Him who made me.

Written Oct, 5, 2008

So it's been awhile since I actually worked on my writing or updated anything on this site, but the month of September was the month of job training and moving half way across the country. Now I'm in Colorado trying to get settled in and hoping to establish a writing plan soon.

I am taking a couple of classes online. One is a basic writing class given by Holly Lisle providing guidance on how to write as a career: how to plan, how to write, how to get set up with agents/editors. The other class I'm taking is on how to write an excellent query letter to win over agents and editors. Both are excellent, though I haven't been able to put the time into either one that I would like. I am saving all the information so I can continuously refer to it again.

Now, I haven't been updating my tips page because I've been in between places with internet and such, but I do have three weeks hand written so I'll get back on those. I've even added a reminder on my computer to help me. I'm going to learn to be disciplined... slowly. Eventually :)

Once again it has been too long since I’ve been on here with either a personal update or writing update. I just can’t seem to strike a balance with life, but this is not a lament on my weaknesses and frustrations. Instead it is a note about what I’ve been learning and doing even during continued boughts with illness and high stress situations crashing over me. Most of it personal and much if tying into my writing (the little that has happened in the last month). 

When stress levels increase and health decreases a perfect blend for loneliness is created. And loneliness is one of the quickest emotions to get me off track. I start thinking about finding “the one” and wallowing in self-pity on why I’m still “alone” and don’t have many friends. Basically, I get very focused on me and that is a dangerous place to be. Not only does it not help with the stress or health struggles it compounds these issues. So it sit on my bed or in my bathtub thinking about me and all the things wrong with my life until I feel completely lost and hopeless. This is the state the Father found me again. He did not judge or condemn me, He never does. He simply asked me a question, “Do you want me as much as you want someone to love you?”

In that instance I knew that once again I’d taken my eyes off my Savior and needed to do something to get back on track. I started flipping away from “dating site” commercials and put all my “Godly dating” books in a box. I pulled out “Celebration of Discipline” and created a fun little schedule to get me on track.

I’d love to say that this has all worked with great success, but the enemy also saw this change of heart and direction and trouble after trouble pulled me away from my cute little discipline schedule. Changes in my work week, increased headaches, and even a pretty bad case of some stomach bug (which is just now coming to an end). My sick time at work is gone and my energy about as far down as it can go (at least I’m actually awake now). 

I look at my little schedule taped to my bathroom mirror and feel frustrated a bit, but I also recognize that the steps before everything fell apart did a lot for my peace of mind. I started writing again, finally seeing more of where I wanted my new WIP to go and even got through eight chapters of sensory edits on my “Isaiah” project. I also haven’t given up on my little schedule though I think I’ll be taking one step at a time. 

Step 1: Survive a 4 day (10 hours a day) work week
Step 2: Add meditation on His Word 4 days a week (even on nights I work)
Step 3: Add focused prayer time 2-3 days a week

That’s as far as I’ve gotten in the Celebration of Discipline, but I think I’ll stop reading until I get to Step 3 or I’ll start looking at all I still need to learn and grow discouraged rather than revel in the success of each step. For each step is a gift in the Father’s strength and grace and worth a celebration.

January, what a glorious month of settling in, enjoying the freedom only found after finishing classes, and starting to feel at home. And also the month that saw my body on a rollercoaster.

I started the month with ear aches and a mild cold. The ear ache came and went for the next couple of weeks, annoying but not debilitating. The last week of January (last week), I ended up with a massive headache(migrane?  tension headache?) that lasted three days. Just when my head started to feel normal my stomach turned on me and I ended up at home for 2 days curled in the fetal position, eating toast and applesauce. Thankfully my stomach decided it liked me again and I was able to get a few things done (like buy real food) before I was smacked with allergies - you know that feeling when the inside of your ears itch so badly all you want to do is grab a stick and jam it in your ear just for a bit of relief?? I'm there. Plus a soar throat, mild cough, and being completely drug out - Welcome February :p

I am hoping for renewed health for this month and maybe actually getting to enjoy my freedom and tentative settled feeling. And my birthday - I've been sick 2 of the last 3 birthdays. Odds are against me, but I'm hopeful :)

So, have I dropped off the face of the earth? It must seem like it. December was positively insane. I was finishing two large papers, fighting a bad cold, and then Christmas in which my grandma came out to stay with me until after the New Year. And January hasn’t started out much slower.

I can happily say I have completed all my work for my MA and am almost official a graduate (just need that pesky paper). Also, I have found a fellowship which I’m starting to get involved in and I am so close to being completely done with my WIP that I can taste it. It’s down to a polish and then the submission package stuff.

For the first time in a long time I actually feel that I can take a deep breath and not just a breath before dropping back into so much stuff it’s amazing I never drowned, but a deep breath followed by a relaxed sigh. In the last 3 weeks I’ve been able to reflect more on my time in China than I had in the last 3 months. The desire to return is even stronger, but the release to return is not quick in coming. I still wonder where I fit and what my ultimate niche is, but I’m beginning to think there are simply some people who are not meant to stay in one comfortable niche forever being stretched and jumping into something different. I don’t know if I have embraced this idea for me, but I am acceptant if that is what the Father has for me.

For now I am going to simply enjoy my freedom and continue to learn to live in the now. Get involved now without worrying about what’s next. Enjoy the simple things like bubble baths and a hyper cat and the freedom to drive where I want and go home when I want. Something waits for me, I’m certain, but I don’t need to know what right now. No, now is the time to finally begin to be restored in the Father’s awesome simplicity. J

It is almost like I've fallen off the face of the earth I've been gone so long. But now I'm in Colorado trying to get settled in - new state, new city, new job... new everything. And it's kind of overwhelming.

Add the long wait for my stuff and my struggle with the altitude and I'm wondering what I'm doing here. I came by faith and I'll stay by faith, but I have a continued sense of waitng. Always waiting. Waiting for a new job. Waiting for a place to live. Waiting to train for a job. Waiting to move. Waiting to get here. Waiting.

I had some crazy illusion that the feeling of waiting would end and I'd finally have this settled, at home feeling. But I haven't found it yet. I still feel like I'm waiting, and not just for my stuff. For something else, something I can't define.

Perhaps I'm just dealing with discontentment or false expectations of what things would be like and how I'd feel. Everything has changed and I'm not sure how to feel about it or even deal with a lot of it. I want to feel content and you think I would since I came here at God's direction, but not yet.

I'm hoping after my stuff comes in and my body adjusts to this altitude, I'll start to feel settled, at home, and start to figure out why I've been called to return to the states. There is a reason that might be months or years to be clear, but I guess I just need some sort of confirmation that this is right. I don't know what that would be yet, but God can help with this and I'll just hold to the truth of the situation even while my feelings contradict. Truth is in God, not my feelings. But I look foward to when my feelings match the truth.

For the first time I am trying this affiliate thing. I guess this is one of the ways writers make money inbetween books and such. I figured I should start learning about it and this course is pretty awesome so I can encourage/ advertise something I really believe is helpful for any writers out there. I'm taking the course right now and learning a lot. If you think you want to be a writer and are ready to take your dreams from fantasy to reality, this could be an excellent step in that process.  

Besides that, this is keeping me occupied as I wait just one more week until I finally leave to beging training for my new job. Hurrah! I'm ready to head on out and get back to having my own place. It's tiring living as a visitor. Soon , though, and I'm sure there is a reason for this extended time, I just don't know it yet.

Well, here it is August, my month of freedom and delight. Or procrastinating everything and being bored out of my mind. I have so much I want to do this month such as work on this website and yet this first week I only worked on cleaning out my stuff. Granted I probably got rid of 1/4 of everything I supposedly owned (my grandmother's been collecting things for me for years) and even found an apartment to live in.

Yet I spend the largest hunk of my days being bored and tired. I've started riding my bike which should mean an increase of energy... eventually. And I'm not sleeping until noon like I usually do for holidays. I'm trying ot be more active but I just look at the vast amount of time I have and that seems to reduce my drive to actually do anything. "I've got time" which I do, but the last week of August I'll be going mad. Sometimes it's frusterating that I work best under pressure.

I do have some pressure as I need to complete 2 months of homework for my last two grad classes... both quite interesting and continue through the two writing courses I'm in the middle of (one of with Holly Lisle and one Donald Maass' 'Breakout' workbook). Maybe I just need to find a routine and a comfertable place.

I do feel like a visitor in my own home anymore. The problem of really not living here for seven years I guess, but nothing feels like its mine. I don't have my own space or even my own time. I am living at the whim of my mother and grandmother. My grandmother doesn't have too much she asks of me, but  feel like I'm always waiting for her to want to do something.

I have a month here, though, so I'd better make use of the time I have and find a temporary "place" for me to work. Maybe some place I can escape tensions in the house, too. But that might be too much to ask.

Hopefully in the next couple weeks I start working on the China section and Writing tips section for this website so there's something more to see :)

Onward with my abundance of time...